It feels like many people I talk to have already given their heart away once. And for those who haven’t, they are scared to open that door because of the pain they have seen their friends endure. With an increasing delay of marriage and an increase of serious relationships prior, I believe our generation is going to relate on the topic of “lost loves” far more than past generations.  Something that can be tempting to create an identity around.

Let me explain…

Many of us know that we got out of a relationship for one reason or another, but I think whether it’s private or public, going back to that place where we had someone, can be a source of feeling for us. Good feeling or bad feeling, sometimes it just feels good to mentally and emotionally feel something.  So we think about what was.

“Someone wanted to marry me.” “She adored me.” “He painted a picture of our life together.” “I said yes.”  “She was my best friend.”

It can be a really fine line when we start to go back to those places. On one side of the line, we can have an introspective reality check.  What did and did not work, why we left, or they left, why there was pain, misunderstanding, distrust, etc. It may be hard going to those places that unlock frustration and hurt, but it can be a very good learning experience.

The other side of that fine line is when we neglect to remember the pain and the reasons it ended. This often happens when people inquire about our past dating relationships. It can be easy to find this weird identity and comfort in being able to express that we “almost got married” or “we dated for five years.”

Why?

Why do these facts hold value and identity to us?  Yes, they are a part of our story…but are they something more?  What is it about us that needs to let people know we were loved?  Or for those of us who haven’t loved, do we find a label in our “perfectly untainted” identity?

Not everyone finds safety in a past identity or label, but many do struggle with this. I have.

When we love someone fully and years later are hung up on the fact that we “already gave our heart away,” this can definitely keep us in a stagnant place. But that stagnant place can feel very safe because we can sub-consciously live off of our feelings of “what was.”

It can feel more loyal to stay in this place of “having been loved and lost” and not wanting to ever love again, than to actually think that our hearts could be whole.

But wait…is that just a romantic idealistic cop out? Do we say, “I can’t give my heart away again,” because we really don’t think our hearts could be “gotten back,” or because it’s safer to not risk?  Or have we just let certain identities play too large of a role in our life?

Many of us identify with the term “gave my heart away” because it truly feels that way. But is that true? Is it Biblical? Do we have to stay in this place just because it feels so incredibly real?  I think the role of past identities can rear it’s ugly head for single people, but perhaps even more so for married people.

I predict for people who do get married, this will be a great area of temptation. As I said before, many of us will enter into a marriage having had maybe a few serious relationships. In marriage, if things don’t always go smoothly (and single or married life is never smooth), it will be very tempting to go back and idealize lost loves and be dissatisfied with who we have chosen to do life.

My guess is that God did not originally design for us to become one with more than one person.  Sexually or emotionally.  The reality is, we generally do. If you have ever connected with someone and then it ended, you know that it can be very emotional…almost a severing of an appendage.  Even now, if we are not careful, I am sure it’s possible to take oneself back to the feelings of a past relationship and remember who we were in that.  It can unlock a lot. It can make us feel.

What does that say about human nature? The way we were designed?  The power of identity?

Many of us find our hope in Christ and know our identity is supposed to be in him as well.  So why does the power of identifying with another human being feel so much stronger at times?  Sometimes we hold onto the identity of the past because it feels real, not because it’s right.  Feelings feel safe because they remind us we are alive.

So the question is, are we going to live a life that constantly searches for feelings to identify we exist, or are we going to exist as we search and live a life of purpose?  It seems to me that when we let feelings be a stronger guide than purpose, then we let humanity identify us.  But if we let purpose be a stronger guide than our feelings, then hopefully as a Christian, our identity will be founded in Christ…because He is our purpose.

How?

For me to re-frame my feelings and identity, I have to be realistic and say to myself…

1) We live in a broken world. My heart will break. These feelings are not abnormal to God.

2) As a single person, what am I holding onto that will prevent me from loving and trusting again?  Where do I find safety?

3) As a married person, what am I doing to make sure I don’t let my heart wander back into past loves?

Question: What do you identify yourself with that makes you feel safe?  Do you run from heartache or live off of heartache because it’s the only way you feel alive?  What is your purpose in life?

Why someone would name their child an action word, I have no idea. I’m still waiting to hear back from Tripp’s parents. However, naming your child an emotion and fruit of the spirit? Totally normal.

Aside from his parent’s judgement…I have found a blog that is truly worth your time, if laughing is an activity in which you like to partake. Well, in the “blogger community” it looks like many of you have already found him. I am last to join the game. (But we don’t need to address my childhood issues.) Thanks to my new Forum and two people posting articles by this Tripp character, I decided to check out his site.

You should too…

www.trippcrosby.com

I love the way his mind writes and there are some video’s that will keep you from working the job you are avoiding even as you read this.

Under his “Dating” section he has this video. He says it’s embarrassing. I think it’s fantastic. Not sure who he was performing for, but I might hire him for my next video when we discuss “dating people with multiple personalities.”

Check out his post on “Being Set Up” HERE

Check out his post on “Can Guys and Girls be Friends” HERE

I savor sitting with you at a coffee shop or on my couch talking about your love life.

I look forward to contemplating our questions together in blog posts.

I love making YouTube videos to answer your “Ask Joy’s”…even if they are weird.

Whatever form we have met in I have enjoyed.  So…I came up with a new place for us to meet.

The Love and Respect NOW Forum.

Personally, when I hear “forum,” I think seriousness, dark suits and little Dixie cups of water.  But don’t worry. I only wear my suits on Monday.

The Forum is an opportunity for you to post things you want to talk to others about RIGHT now.  I haven’t been able to do a video response for all the questions I get from “Ask Joy,” so I thought this could be a perfect solution.

How it works:

1) Create a user name. Example: “Boboskiwatendat2000” or “Larry.”

2) Post a thread: i.e. question, article, rant, rave, video, photo, etc. regarding relationships and let people know why you posted.

3) I will “tweet” that a new thread has begun.

4) People can join the discussion. You can give your two cents on other people’s threads.

5) I will send you 3,000 dollars cash.

Now doesn’t that sound great?  I am super pumped. And I mean, like, 1980’s double arm-pump pumped. The only way this won’t work is if someone screws it up by posting inappropriate things or I find out that “Boboskiwatendat2000” and “Larry” made plans to meet in the alley way behind the sketchy McDonalds on the east side of town.

Bobo and Larry. Don’t mess this up for the rest of us.

For…um….crying out loud. Start discussing!  I look forward to hearing what’s on your mind.

ENTER THE FORUM

(It’s also on your left side of the screen, over <——- that way. Feel free to stop by the Unicorn poll first. Priorities, people.)

Question: What is going on in the situations below?

1) Boy watches movie where “good girls” are always really “bad girls.”

2) Girl is told by boy on Monday, “I love you.” On Tuesday girl watches talk show about boys who cheat.

3) Boy begins dating girl on Monday who is four years older.  On Tuesday boy reads article saying older girls always control relationships.

4) Girl watches movie where boy falls for girl who is mean and plays hard to get.

Messages and information we receive today may be true and helpful, but some may actually hinder us.  The above are pretty easy to make logical conclusions regarding the negative affects on young boys and girls.  But if you stop and think about the information you are inundated with, how do you think it is affecting your view of the opposite sex?

A professor and researcher friend made a statement in an email this week that got me thinking: [Something] “may not be true at all, but it is hard to disprove once the idea gets floated.”

I couldn’t stop thinking about that line.

The imagery is spot on. Any information that we have received either by choice or force is in our brain “floating.” (Cue sci-fi music.) Whether we like it or not, events in our life will trigger and bring to the forefront of our mind these “floaters.”

Due to the effects that this technological information age presents our generation with, we can’t help but have more access to media imposed ideas than ever before.  You may try to say “no” to movies or shut down your Facebook account, but I don’t know anyone in my generation who isn’t affected by advertising and doesn’t use the Internet.  Those floaters are implanted even if we don’t want them.

(I just re-read that last line and am wondering how affected I was by the movie Inception…and if I should be concerned. Cue more sci-fi music.)

The way I believe movies, blogs, music, advertising, the “latest” research, talk shows, etc. impacts relationships is that we see, hear and are presented with so much media that we barely have time to sit and process if something is true or not.  If we don’t process information, ideas will no doubt have a larger chance of growing into something we believe to be truth.

When we aren’t conscious about the beliefs that are forming, we will project onto people who may or may not be deserving of that belief system.  It’s difficult to clearly think and filter our ideas so that we don’t make pre-judgments or blanket statements about potential partners.

Is all this information bad?

Absolutely not. Our access to information is fantastic.  I would never want us to try and go against a tool that can be so instrumental in helping people and spreading truth. There is nothing I want more than for people to come prepared into relationships. If relationally most of our ideas are shaped by what we have seen, heard and read about, the actual relationship will be affected.  Guaranteed.

My concern is how do we discern truth in the midst of all the floating ideas we encounter?

1) Girl reads article on 10 sure steps to get the boy of her dreams.

2) Boy reads article on 10 sure steps to get the girl of his dreams.

3) Boy sees in commercial that beer is more valuable than annoying girl.

4) Girl gets email forward on 10 reasons why she doesn’t need a stupid boy.

Question: What’s your experience?