Welcome.

The newest section of this site that I am so pumped about (besides the Unicorn Poll, aka: vote and believe) is the “Ask Me” section. This will be a spot for people to submit questions, and I will respond in a video post.

I’m still trying to figure out some type of legal disclaimer for my advice. I keep envisioning how 30 Rock’s Liz Lemon had the advice from her “Deal Breaker” book come back to haunt her.

Welcome to my world…

I have been working for my parent’s marriage ministry, Love and Respect, since June 2005. Since early 2008, I have been doing research to understand and help serve the next generation of relationships:

Dating/newly-married/single

Just a small demographic, huh?

In 2005 when I began working for Love and Respect, I directed the live conferences where my parents would speak. During that time, I would hear attendees say over and over again, “If I only knew then what I know now!”

That got me thinking very seriously and I asked myself this question:  “How can I help my generation know themselves, communication and what it means to be obedient to God’s word now, as oppose to 2 years or 20 years down the road when they are disillusioned and wishing they were better prepared?”

As I have researched, four major components have come to the surface:

1) Introspection: None = Distraction to the point of never assessing who we are. Unhealthy amount = Narcissism.

Do we know who we are, let alone who we need to be with?

2) Autonomy/Authority: Because of our transient life-styles, we don’t have much accountability or older, wiser counsel in our life. It is very easy to live an autonomous life.

Do we have any areas in our life where we submit or are held accountable?

3) Sexuality: Our overly indulgent or overly suppressive responses to our sexuality are both having an effect on our marriages.

How has the church affected us? What do we believe about our sexuality?

4) Technology: From social networking, to video games, to the inability to ignore sound and advertising, we live in a state of constant distraction often coming under the guise of “information.”

But what are we learning?

I believe these areas are the core of many of our relationship problems. If you are a follower or Christ, I also believe there is a crisis of faith issue playing into how we respond and act towards relationships.  I will be addressing that as well.

Long story short, anything I can do to help facilitate us talking about relationships, communication and faith excites me. Hopefully we can figure out NOW what the Lord is asking from us, instead of someday saying, “I wish I had known then…”

Lastly: A special shout out to Katie, Kathy, Dane, David, Hunter, John and Stephanie who are all smart and talented and went above and beyond. e-fives all around!!

(I just made that up, it’s a combination of electronic and high-five. Incredible Joy…incredible.)

My dear friends,

Merry Christmas.

For those of you who believe in the miracle of Christmas, all I want this year is for you to know the life of baby Jesus even more and be encouraged in your worship of his humanity and divinity.

For those of you who aren’t sure what you believe, all I want for Christmas is for you to start asking questions and open your heart to even the possibility of this man named Jesus. Even though I grew up in a home where I heard about Jesus, my “knowing” Jesus is something that has grown and become more real….always in process, but it is what I have come to know as truth.

May you all feel the love and peace of Christ, who said “I am…the Truth…”

(song: Jason Morant Hosanna)

I had lunch with a couple guy friends this week. One was a thirty-something year old bass player who had his first relationship a couple years ago. He had focused on school and music for many years. As a Christian he believed the Lord would bring him the right woman when the time came.

After reaching thirty and having zero dating experience with no woman on the horizon, he started to question if he had made the right choice.

Where is the wife he trusted God to provide? Were his standards for women too high? Were his expectations for God too big?

Another guy I know of, who is in his thirties, waited on dating while he focused on his highly successful career. It entailed years of schooling, and now he’s wondering where are all the women who share his faith? He feels while he was pursuing his calling, he missed out. He feels like he trusted God to provide and now he desperately wants to be married but there are no women around.

He wonders why he waited.

Where is the wife he trusted God to provide? Were his standards for women too high? Were his expectations for God too big?

Both of these men have now opened the door to dating women who, possibly years ago they wouldn’t have entertained. Mr. Success is dating a girl of a different faith, and Mr. Musician dated a girl who had just gotten out of a serious and unhealthy relationship, but looked to him for help. Long distance ended things with her and now he is entertaining the idea of a divorced mother of two who he has befriended and whose faith is “yet to be determined.”

I salute these guys for trusting God for so many years, and I commend their motivation in now being open and not expecting God to deliver a bride like a stork. But what’s really going on here?

Guess what!?

The SAME thing is being voiced from women. I could list multiple friends of mine in their thirties who are asking God the same questions.

What was interesting about my conversation with the musician was how he described his reasons for being attracted to these two women. He said a number of times that it was “something in their eyes.”

He also said he hasn’t seen that look in Christian women’s eyes.

“Ok, I’ll switch mascaras. How’s that?”

I asked Mr. Musician if he could describe the look in a word. He had a tough time and finally said with a bit of hesitancy. “Need…?”

Exactly in line with what I thought he would say. Earlier in the week I had conversations with two guys.

a) One who told me he knows what he wants in a woman, but is drawn to women who have issues so he can “change their life.”

b) The other guy told me that he would probably be more interested in me if I “had more problems.”

Awesome. Obviously he doesn’t know about my addiction to eating toilet paper.

We aren’t perfect, and anyone we date or marry won’t be perfect. Grace must be given. But to only be attracted to people who we can fix, really isn’t chivalrous, it’s actually selfish.

We want to be a savior, not a partner.

I see both guys and girls doing this, myself included. It feels good to help someone and we should always be looking to serve others…but in relationship, is it for us or for them? It’s a fine line.

Men: Your desire to serve a woman who needs you is honorable, valuable and needed.

Keep in mind: Christian women have been taught to find their identity in Christ. What if it has been so ingrained in them to be careful with how they dress, flirt and lead men on, that it has affected the way they look at you…for now?

Then there is the women who attracts you. What if her look which appears to be “need,” is actually a “need for God?”

Of course it feels nice to be needed, not to mention being seen as someone’s savior. But how will that play out long term? It may feel great at first to be someone’s rescuer…but…

…you will also be their fall guy. When you screw up, or let them down, they have nothing to hold onto and only you to blame.

In a healthy relationship, where both parties identity is in Christ, the man will have an opportunity to serve and protect. And I can tell you men, you will be very needed by your wives, just as you will need her. You may not see it right away in her eyes, but that also may be because her gaze is currently upon Him.

Question: Have you felt like your expectations were too high? Not high enough? How has that affected your perception of God knowing the desires of our heart?

What? That’s not shallow.

What would be shallow is if I told you I fell in love with him because he had a nose that was almost as adorable as mine.

But back to the hugging thing…

Fun Fact of the Day: Oxytocin is a chemical that is released in men and women, but mostly women. It creates a feeling of trust. Louann Brizedine, M.D., a neuropsychiatrist at the University of California showed through one of her experiments that Oxytocin is released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner.

What!? 20 Seconds? So if Bill the homeless guy on the corner starts hugging me I am going to feel like I could let him manage my 401K?

Kind of.

Obviously the study showed that the bond happens from a “partner.” My assumption is that the experiment was starting off with people who had some level of familiarity, but with physical touch, the trust grows.

So then women, do we just avoid hugging all men so we don’t trust the wrong person? Men, can this be your “in” to get that girl you work with to fall in love with you?

Mary to Boss: “Uhh, yeah, every time I go into the breakroom, Billy is standing next to the fridge with open arms. It’s starting to get weird.”

Each of us has to decide what we want to do with this information. But for now, I am going to switch gears and look at “healthy touch.” (Wow, that sounds straight out of a private school’s sex education text book.)

I am not sure what that looks like…err…feels like. I haven’t had a boyfriend in over two years so the touching has been minimal, the hugs few and far between. Just yesterday my friend was talking about how she held hands with a guy she just started dating and I wanted to know if she would share him with me. I find myself longing for it, but not knowing how to embrace it. (pun intended)

I’m starting to believe we need it.

Whatever holds you back, (i.e. my family never hugged me, once I hug I’ll probably sleep with the person, I am an awkward hugger, I hate the smell of humans, etc.) get over it. Sure, if you are going to be some dude who starts hugging the “ladies” to get them to trust you with no good reason, or your some psycho-chick addicted to oxytocin releases, then this message isn’t for you.

Message: What if we started hugging more? Would the whole of humanity start trusting each other more? Could this contribute to believing in the overall goodness of mankind?

Maybe I am stretching it a bit, but I am speaking from a place of personally wanting to trust people more. And for some reason, this phrase I heard in high school has never left me:

“You need five hugs a day to maintain and seven to grow.”

If hugging was a product, I would think that line was just made up by the Hug marketing department. However, if that comment is true, I must be dying. Honestly, sometimes it feels like that.

Death isn’t an overstatement.

In Russia, years ago, babies were put in a room and given absolutely no human touch. They were fed and kept warm, but even then, there was no touching. All of the babies died.

THE END

Dramatic ending: CHECK.

Now that I have everyone officially scared out of their mind, go out and hug someone. Or you will die. Just try to keep it under 20 seconds, you weirdo.

Question: Hugs should not be that big of a deal. So why do you think so many people are awkward about it? (myself included)