(a fictitious letter)

Dear Fellow Friends of Rachel,

Did you know that infants, if put in a pool, start swimming naturally? It’s kind of scary to watch because, well, they are infants.  What more can they do than sleep, eat, poop and cry?  Letting go of an infant takes a huge amount of trust in the child’s natural instincts.  Something we can’t see.

But the baby will swim.

I’ll cut to the chase. I am writing this letter in my office feeling very disturbed. I have been corresponding with our mutual friend Rachel.  She describes you as her Christian community and local support network.

Rachel, as you know is going through a separation. Divorce is the next step, but she doesn’t want that. She has been deeply wounded.  She always thought marriage would bring her happiness, not disappointment and heartache.

As people who love her, it is only natural that we would want to protect her. It’s not fun seeing those you love in pain and tears. We want to fix them and make them feel better…immediately.

Here is where I was shocked. Rachel has admitted that they are both to blame, yet you affirmed her moving out. To walk away until he changes. I’m sorry…what part of “unconditional” love teaches ultimatums? I must have missed that in Sunday School.

Your instruction is that she can’t do the humble and unconditional thing of moving towards her husband because she would ultimately be rolling over and dying.

Dying?

This is the kicker. Rachel has told us all that her husband is struggling in his faith. Should she not be the one who shows that much more grace? Should she not work harder to win him back to Christ even when it’s not easy?

We all know Rachel’s personality. She is smart, outgoing, and strong willed. The only way I can see her rolling over and dying is if her husband physically tried to murder her.  And even that would be difficult for him. She is too smart.

I have prodded and asked Rachel to tell me if he has been unfaithful. No. Has he beat her? No.  She has even admitted that despite the ways he has hurt her, he has also asked her to move back in, pray together and talk.

But now you…you all are telling her she shouldn’t…because she is too vulnerable.

Is she?

Does pain = vulnerable? Or can pain be present, but vulnerability evaded if there are strong people holding her hands and helping her discern what is true or not true?  Is it possible for her to hear his unkind words in his weak moments (ones she will admit having dished out herself) and live with the mindset of, “I do not accept this behavior, I do not receive words of untruth, but I will not give up on this marriage.”

Is it possible for Rachel to stay committed to this marriage even when it doesn’t feel good?  Do we just walk away in 2010 because a spouse is doing things we don’t appreciate right now? Is there grace for people having bad seasons? For making mistakes?

If we don’t, then we are acting and giving advice no different than the rest of the world. It feels like we don’t trust God to show up.

This is why my generation is getting divorced after two years or two months. We give up too easily and don’t trust that unconditional love and unconditional respect (even when our spouse doesn’t deserve either one) could actually be the right thing to do and what God calls us to do.  We don’t trust that being the bigger person and being obedient could actually soften the person who is ultimately more at fault in their behavior. (Gasp! God actually might know what he is doing?) No, instead we make demands.

“Do this or else.”

I don’t remember that being part of Rachel’s vows.

What I do remember was this:

“In good times and in bad.”

A study done in 2000 showed that within five years, just 12% of very unhappy married couples who stick it out are still unhappy; 70% of the unhappiest couples now describe their marriage as “very” or “quite” happy.

What does this mean?

There are seasons! Do we think the divorce lawyers are going to tell us that? Lawyers and many counselors focus on the here and now. They play to your feelings and emotions. And we have fallen for it.

Please remember, I love Rachel. I know she is not being abused. She is not in harm’s way. She is not married to an evil man. She will admit this if you just ask her.

Christians—do you love people enough to point them towards obedience and truth or do you love them like a coddling mother who pulls her infant out of the water when it’s floundering and in tears?  I get it, you do it because you love the baby and you don’t want to see it suffer.  Perhaps your fear of suffering is rooted in the fact that you don’t ultimately trust that they would actually be able to swim.

Love,

Joy

P.s. An extra little note from Matthew, Mark and Luke: “It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea than that he should cause one of these little ones to sin.”

Winner of last weeks game was….(drum roll)
Name: Jenny
Location: Seattle
Guess: china, duh.er, i mean berlin.

There were other guesses such as the Portland Art Museum, Chicago Art Museum, etc. but the real answer was the  Modern Art Museum of Berlin. I don’t enjoy giving this weeks award to Miss Jenny because I believe she actually took the photo of Mao and Me…

That being said Jenny…this is what you win. I couldn’t even watch the whole thing….but I am sure you will love it. eins, zwei, drei.

This week I want to feature Bikes as the agenda item for: “Stuff I like.”  First of all, because I love them, and second of all because I am living in guilt.

I haven’t commuted on my bike in well over a month…maybe two. I haven’t gone out on a long ride since (moment of silence) NOVEMBER.

It all started in the summer of 2007. I fell in love with that two wheeled black beauty when my friend Michael McDonald custom made me a single speed “hipster wanna-be” bike. I totally got compliments from 19 year old boys in ripped Toms shoes and American Apparel hoodies.

Score.

In 2008 I ventured into road biking after doing an 80 mile ride on my single speed with Sarah Michaelis and thought, “hey, maybe gears would be easier?” I bought a beautiful Serotta bike off Craigslist that was way above my league but the price was too good to pass up.

I am officially a poser. But I love it.

Why haven’t I been riding? It has been cold.  Therefore I have been a wimp. I look outside today and see the sun shining and I hear “Save the Planet” voices in my head as I remember my car is parked two blocks away.

So…in an effort to get back out there…I give a pictorial homage to my biking days…

Real Community = Real Trust

I thought this blog was finished when my friend came by my office this morning. I decided to include her story.  She shared how she has been hurt by our Christian community, here in Portland. I asked her why and she expressed how words had been said to her in harsh ways.

When I asked her to explain, she replied, “Everything they have said has been right and what I needed to hear.  It’s just the way in which they’ve said it that has turned me off and made me not want to listen.”

She also said, “But you know what?  Even though I don’t like it…this is what community is about, right?”

In the midst of her pain, I was so proud of her.  She gets it. She wants to trust that their hearts are good, and she wants to talk to them about how it was communicated, but she won’t deny that what they said was truth.  She could just walk away, but she won’t.

She’s committed to community.

Often, “being hurt” is why we walk away. My friend is hurt but she refuses to walk away. She knows walking away can contribute to the breakdown of community and building bonds of trust.

I see this often in the church when we talk about this euphoric, authentic community. Yet after a few years of attending, rarely serving or financially giving, we give reasons the church has offended us. We don’t agree with 100% of what they do, so we take our toys and go home.

Is that authentic community?

I think I want the word “authentic” to be synonymous with “fun,” “easy” or “safe.” When that becomes all my community is, it’s no wonder my trust will break down.  I see this break down in our society, churches and relationships. All three of these things are strengthened through commitment, investment and shared experiences. Trust is also built with these elements, and with no trust, there can be no growth in this “authentic community” that we talk a big game about.

It seems that Authentic Community should consist of a mixture of people:

1)   People who challenge us because they think differently than us.

2)   People who challenge us because they love us.

3)   People who are wiser than us and can give us counsel.

4)   People who are less wise than us, that we can lovingly challenge and guide.

5)   People who enjoy what we enjoy and laugh with us.

A few years ago, I contacted a number of people who know my mother and asked them to write letters about her for a journal I was making.  I realized there were quite a few women who call my mom, “best friend.”

Why?

She speaks the truth in love. She honors people, serves people and encourages them.  She doesn’t tell people what they want to hear.  She lovingly says what they need to hear.  She commits to friendship for the long haul, and that builds trust for people to call her “best friend.”

Not everyone in our community will be our best friend.  And with our transient lifestyles or at home entertainment, it’s harder to build and commit to communities. On top of that, our access to seeing all the crime and pain in the world (like I mentioned in pt. 2), contributes to our distrust of society as a whole. Why would we want to invest in people?

We hear the statistics, but no one really wants to live in a society that is building safety walls and has trust issues. Dr. Jean Twinge says in GenerationMe, “’Trust no one and rely on yourself’ is a self fulfilling prophecy in an individualist world where the prevailing sentiment is ‘Do unto others before they do it to you.’”

So what will we do? My guess is that we will have to find a balance for ourselves between, distrust for safety’s sake and trust for the sake of committed authentic communities.

Let’s first assess how we currently live, engage and react to others.

1)   Do I want to be fully known?

2)   Do I assume the best or worst about people?

3)   Do I seek counsel from wiser people and obey their guidance?

4)   Do I desire what authentic community can be in the good days?

5)   Do I commit to authentic community in the bad days?

For those of you who think I am making a big stretch between society, the church, relationships and trust, I hope it’s becoming clearer.

In the good days, in the bad…in sickness and in health…

People will hurt me, break my trust, and some relationships will end. I am choosing to not walk away. I am choosing to commit. Sure, societies will have crime and the church will screw up, but how I respond is up to me. There may be more pain or confrontation than if I safely keep to myself, but I am starting to believe if I commit to trust others first, it will have a strong ripple effect on my relationships, the church, and hopefully society.  I trust, despite my issues.