Awhile back I did a guest post for my friend Jenny.  I did a video sharing a bit of my story which was fun, but slightly more vulnerable than I feel comfortable with on the world-wide-webular.

My father liked it and it ended up going on my parent’s website to explain my work and passion.  The downer was that we did the video and didn’t have a mic.  Apparently the afternoon we shot, a hurricane decided to come through Portland and the sound quality of the video was horrendous.

This is part “deux,” sans hurricane.

And yes, I am getting a tad more comfortable sharing my story…I guess that’s what this whole “blogging” thing is about, right?

Later this week, I am going to post a video on how I labeled someone a “jerk” when I shouldn’t have…

But first…

People ask if I have books I would recommend for learning about relationships.  While I do think my father’s book, Love and Respect can and should be read by unmarried people, one of the books that really impacted me a few years ago was John Van Epp’s How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk. Not gonna lie, the cover is a little embarrassing to read in public because everyone assumes you really have a bad track record, but it’s definitely a worth while read.

Van Epp has done extensive research on relationships, but the book is written at a layman’s level.  I have all sorts of underlines, highlights and notes in the margin. When you look at any of the books in my library, you can tell which books have kept me engaged…or not, simply based on how messy it looks. This is one of my messiest.

How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk is not just a book for people who have been in unhealthy relationships.  While it does lay out how to avoid bad relationships, more importantly it teaches the reader how to engage in a healthy balanced one.  If you are in a relationship, or ever hope to be, read it.

“The twentieth-century motto “Think love” needs to be replaced with a new, twenty-first-century motto “Love thinks.”

- John Van Epp, Ph.D.

 

Question: Picture a jerk… (Got it?)

Did you first envision a male or female?*

 

*Van Epp’s book implies both sexes can be jerks.  Overall the focus of the book is not about “jerks” but about how to notice red flags in our unhealthy relationships and how to proceed with healthy relationships. I think “Jerks” was simply an attention grabbing title.

Also: I had the privilege of meeting John Van Epp last fall and is the author I reference in this post.

Question: What is going on in the situations below?

1) Boy watches movie where “good girls” are always really “bad girls.”

2) Girl is told by boy on Monday, “I love you.” On Tuesday girl watches talk show about boys who cheat.

3) Boy begins dating girl on Monday who is four years older.  On Tuesday boy reads article saying older girls always control relationships.

4) Girl watches movie where boy falls for girl who is mean and plays hard to get.

Messages and information we receive today may be true and helpful, but some may actually hinder us.  The above are pretty easy to make logical conclusions regarding the negative affects on young boys and girls.  But if you stop and think about the information you are inundated with, how do you think it is affecting your view of the opposite sex?

A professor and researcher friend made a statement in an email this week that got me thinking: [Something] “may not be true at all, but it is hard to disprove once the idea gets floated.”

I couldn’t stop thinking about that line.

The imagery is spot on. Any information that we have received either by choice or force is in our brain “floating.” (Cue sci-fi music.) Whether we like it or not, events in our life will trigger and bring to the forefront of our mind these “floaters.”

Due to the effects that this technological information age presents our generation with, we can’t help but have more access to media imposed ideas than ever before.  You may try to say “no” to movies or shut down your Facebook account, but I don’t know anyone in my generation who isn’t affected by advertising and doesn’t use the Internet.  Those floaters are implanted even if we don’t want them.

(I just re-read that last line and am wondering how affected I was by the movie Inception…and if I should be concerned. Cue more sci-fi music.)

The way I believe movies, blogs, music, advertising, the “latest” research, talk shows, etc. impacts relationships is that we see, hear and are presented with so much media that we barely have time to sit and process if something is true or not.  If we don’t process information, ideas will no doubt have a larger chance of growing into something we believe to be truth.

When we aren’t conscious about the beliefs that are forming, we will project onto people who may or may not be deserving of that belief system.  It’s difficult to clearly think and filter our ideas so that we don’t make pre-judgments or blanket statements about potential partners.

Is all this information bad?

Absolutely not. Our access to information is fantastic.  I would never want us to try and go against a tool that can be so instrumental in helping people and spreading truth. There is nothing I want more than for people to come prepared into relationships. If relationally most of our ideas are shaped by what we have seen, heard and read about, the actual relationship will be affected.  Guaranteed.

My concern is how do we discern truth in the midst of all the floating ideas we encounter?

1) Girl reads article on 10 sure steps to get the boy of her dreams.

2) Boy reads article on 10 sure steps to get the girl of his dreams.

3) Boy sees in commercial that beer is more valuable than annoying girl.

4) Girl gets email forward on 10 reasons why she doesn’t need a stupid boy.

Question: What’s your experience?  

 

Small State of the Union:

Because of my propensity to dogmatism, I tend to shy away from God-talk or anything that sounds like I’m trying to be holier than I know I really am. In my desire to not fall into legalism or pietism or any other ism that would put me in a sometimes disliked category of “Christian,” I choose my words carefully.

Sometimes.

My concluding theory in this two-part blog will probably get those who “follow the rules” to nod their heads in agreement.  Those who are skeptical or have been hurt by the church will probably think I am some crazy-type-A-follow-all-the-rules-so-I-can-walk-on-streets-of-gold-Christian.

I might be type-A, but I am not trying to be legalistic or discourage critiquing fallible institutions. This is more a call to re-evaluate and get involved.

That’s where you come in to help me with my research…

Catalyst for research:

I was asked to speak next week to pastors and church leaders on “Being Single in the Church Today…”

As I was preparing, I realized there isn’t much in scripture on what the church should “do” for Christian singles. So, I decided to interview young Christians in my city and get their stories, opinions and plans of action.

My hypothesis was based on this:

I believe my generation is very aware of where it has been wronged.  Mark Sayers in his book, The Trouble with Paris, talks about a study that was done on Generation Y. In summary, the study explained that in the modern world, our generation is much more likely to recall a time in our lives where we were in despair, as opposed to our grandparents who have had far more years to experience pain. One third of the people involved in the study had succumbed to depression by age 27 and David Meyers who headed up the study concluded by saying,

“Never has a culture experienced such physical comfort combined with such psychological misery.”

I am not undermining people’s despair and depression. I have been depressed and I know people have legitimate chemical imbalances, but despair and depression seem to have turned into cynicism and criticism and I see it often in the church.

Because culture as a whole is delaying marriage, we are now seeing in the church a generation of singles that are no longer just the divorcees or widows. Many churches don’t have a “program” for this group because they are no longer in college and aren’t in the newly married or young parent’s crowd.

As a single person, nearing 28, I have empathy for those who feel like they don’t exactly fit in the “church community.” Even though culturally we may feel ok being single, there can be underlying sensitivity…a feeling of being behind.  Many people I have spoken with assumed they would be married with families by this age.  Subconsciously, I believe we tend to be our worst critic. Consciously, that sensitivity can manifest itself in blaming someone or something (the church) for our status.

My test looked like this:

(My questions went from broad to specific in responses. #1 was feelings based, #2 was action based, #3 was observations of others and #4 & #5 were yes or no responses.)

1)    As a single person, how do you feel like the church (westernized American church) has failed you or disappointed you?

2)    What are some tangible ways you would like to see the church better serve the unmarried?

3)    What percentage of your Christian friends do you think are currently serving in the church?

4)    Are you currently serving your local church?

5)    Are you currently giving financially to your local church?

After interviewing my first peer, I quickly made an adjustment. I asked, “Are you currently serving your local church?”  The response was, “Oh great, now I am going to look like an a-hole on camera.”  I changed the last three questions to be optional, anonymous and written because my intent was not to shame or embarrass people.

I learn quickly.

My goal is to help both church leaders and churchgoers. For the church leaders, my desire is to allow them to hear the pain, frustration or desires of young singles. For the singles, I want them to see how easy it is to complain, but how much harder it is to come up with a plan of action or get involved.

My concluding hypothesis (pre-interviews):

People who are involved by serving and giving financially to their local church will be less cynical.  There still may be hurt or frustration, but a deeper level of understanding and empathy will come with being involved.

They will (by default of serving) be more a part of the community.  Serving and giving should allow people to gain perspective on the church’s real role in their life.  As a result, there may be less blame for what the church isn’t doing and appreciation and understanding for how it’s trying.

Singles will feel less like children needing to be coddled, but as a member who is equal in value and has a sense of being needed.  When people realize their value and need, they are less apt to resent someone or something and more apt to understand their purpose.

The Church needs to encourage the body of Christ to understand their purpose and help foster the person, (not the stage of life) towards a deeper understanding of Christ.

The desire I have is to see all of us mutually serve and love one another in whatever season or state we are in.  That takes understanding, grace and a hunger for scriptural truth on both parts.  We all must serve more than we expect to be served.

Questions: Do you think we become more realistic and gracious when we give of our time and resources?  What is the church’s responsibility to its body of believers?  What do you think the results were from my interviews?

(I will share about the interviews and my talk in Part II)