Question: What is going on in the situations below?

1) Boy watches movie where “good girls” are always really “bad girls.”

2) Girl is told by boy on Monday, “I love you.” On Tuesday girl watches talk show about boys who cheat.

3) Boy begins dating girl on Monday who is four years older.  On Tuesday boy reads article saying older girls always control relationships.

4) Girl watches movie where boy falls for girl who is mean and plays hard to get.

Messages and information we receive today may be true and helpful, but some may actually hinder us.  The above are pretty easy to make logical conclusions regarding the negative affects on young boys and girls.  But if you stop and think about the information you are inundated with, how do you think it is affecting your view of the opposite sex?

A professor and researcher friend made a statement in an email this week that got me thinking: [Something] “may not be true at all, but it is hard to disprove once the idea gets floated.”

I couldn’t stop thinking about that line.

The imagery is spot on. Any information that we have received either by choice or force is in our brain “floating.” (Cue sci-fi music.) Whether we like it or not, events in our life will trigger and bring to the forefront of our mind these “floaters.”

Due to the effects that this technological information age presents our generation with, we can’t help but have more access to media imposed ideas than ever before.  You may try to say “no” to movies or shut down your Facebook account, but I don’t know anyone in my generation who isn’t affected by advertising and doesn’t use the Internet.  Those floaters are implanted even if we don’t want them.

(I just re-read that last line and am wondering how affected I was by the movie Inception…and if I should be concerned. Cue more sci-fi music.)

The way I believe movies, blogs, music, advertising, the “latest” research, talk shows, etc. impacts relationships is that we see, hear and are presented with so much media that we barely have time to sit and process if something is true or not.  If we don’t process information, ideas will no doubt have a larger chance of growing into something we believe to be truth.

When we aren’t conscious about the beliefs that are forming, we will project onto people who may or may not be deserving of that belief system.  It’s difficult to clearly think and filter our ideas so that we don’t make pre-judgments or blanket statements about potential partners.

Is all this information bad?

Absolutely not. Our access to information is fantastic.  I would never want us to try and go against a tool that can be so instrumental in helping people and spreading truth. There is nothing I want more than for people to come prepared into relationships. If relationally most of our ideas are shaped by what we have seen, heard and read about, the actual relationship will be affected.  Guaranteed.

My concern is how do we discern truth in the midst of all the floating ideas we encounter?

1) Girl reads article on 10 sure steps to get the boy of her dreams.

2) Boy reads article on 10 sure steps to get the girl of his dreams.

3) Boy sees in commercial that beer is more valuable than annoying girl.

4) Girl gets email forward on 10 reasons why she doesn’t need a stupid boy.

Question: What’s your experience?  

You should probably read this first: PART I (if you don’t, your computer will implode…)

Speaking on singleness is not something that makes me jump up and click my heels together. I enjoy talking about relationships…broken or functioning…but staring at singleness right in the face is not my idea of fun.

Even 12 hours before I was supposed to speak to a group of pastors and church leaders, I looked my dad directly in the face and said, “I do NOT want to do this.”

“You don’t have to Joy,” he said.

Those words were so freeing. I don’t have to do this. I don’t have to talk about relationships, I don’t have to talk about being single and my eggs drying up and I don’t have to write or read about it either.  But then I realized that I have chosen to do this because I am passionate about relationships. And if I am passionate about relationships, then I need to be passionate about the reality that many people in my generation, myself included, are currently in…the state of being single.

Since I know many people feel fantastic about being single and have no intention of getting married anytime soon, I always try to be careful and give a gazillion caveats and let everyone know I am making generalizations based on readings, interviews and observations.  I know there are exceptions. If you disagree with anything I am saying, make sure you disagree with the majority and not your singular personal experience.

And like I said to the pastors and leaders, “Don’t get your panties in a bunch.”

(I seriously don’t remember what context I said it in, but back in the office on Tuesday I had a flashback…and then a hot flash. Why in the world did I say that? I just remember it coming out and then desperately wanting to reach out and grab it before it hit their ears. Too late.)

I encouraged the leaders and pastors to understand, challenge and come along side us in four different areas.

Serving, Belief, Truth and Love.

As I mentioned in part one of the blog, by serving I believe singles (or anyone who feels excluded) will be less apt to be cynical and start to feel a part of the church family. The results from my interviews proved my point, but differently than I had thought.  I thought I would get a ton of finger pointing critics, but most of the people I interviewed are invested in their church, so they were actually quite positive about the church’s purpose and role in their life.

They were wise, realistic and had good insight.  I could tell most of them don’t necessarily feel excluded because they serve and include themselves.  They realize the churches role is not to fix them but to guide them. So often even good hearted pastors and church staff miss this point. They deeply desire to love people and usually have the amazing gift of being pastoral, so they can forget Christ is the only one who can truly help and heal their people.

So what is my conclusion? A good majority of churches love people and in loving people try to fix them with a program. A good majority of single people are sensitive (consciously or sub-consciously) to the fact that they aren’t married and since church can be a reminder of marriage and family, they want to fix the church and tell them how to treat single people.

My conclusion: Both have a greater purpose beyond fixing each other. That purpose is Jesus.

Oh Joy…that answer is so simplistic.

But it’s true. If we don’t make Jesus the focus and realize we have a purpose beyond our own life’s story to tell HIS story, then whether you are single, married, widowed or divorced…you will be left hopeless.  As single people, we are usually left to look at our own life…and since most of us want to be in relationship we have to deal with this reality by:

a) Convincing ourselves that we love being single which can be easy when so many of our peers are in the same boat.

Or…

b) Blaming the church.  Some say it puts too much value on marriage and we feel excluded, while others say it is to blame for not teaching us more about marriage and how to navigate relationships.

To explain why these reactions might be there, I made the simple analogy of sensitivity being like the reaction when someone touches a hot stove. The body reacts before it even has time to consciously think.

Yes. I essentially called us singles a group of sensitive reactionaries.

(Are you reacting?)

I am sensitive.

Listen, I enjoy so much of what it means to be single today and I can assure you that my status or sensitivity in life does not handicap me. If anything, being single frees me to do more “fun” things than I would do with a few ankle biters running around.

My strength is finally admitting I am sensitive.  That’s because I have realized that being sensitive is ok. Somehow I think we have associated sensitivity to weakness. And yet, I think sensitivity can simply be a heightened awareness to reality.

How we respond to that awareness and reality is key. Reality is reality.  It doesn’t mean our reality makes us more or less than another person. It doesn’t make us weaker or stronger.  It doesn’t make God more good or less good.

And that is where belief comes into play…which is what I was shooting to talk about in this blog…but since I am already at 900+ words (and I rarely read a blog longer than that)…I guess I’ll just have to make a part three…

 

Questions: Do you agree with where I am headed? Are you unclear where I am headed? Am I being too simplistic…too “Christian-y” in my answer?  Unsympathetic to church leaders? Unsympathetic to singles?

 

 

GAME WINNER!

Nope, not yet. Well one of you guessed correctly, but that “said” person was with me on the trip so that doesn’t count. I had three guesses that it was the Cologne Cathedral in Germany. I looked that place up, and while they do look similar, and Germany IS my homeland…you are still wrong. Keep up the guessing!  (Confession: I completely forget the names of places that I take pictures of…having people guess helps trigger my memory. As much as I like creating games, you are all actually helping me better organize my iPhoto collection.  Cheers!)

On Sunday my pastor gave an overview of where we have been as a church and where we are headed. The story of our journey this last year actually gave me chills.

(Maybe there was just a draft.)

Our church has been known for it’s innovative heart to serve Portland, each other and the world. I enjoy being a part of a community that loves Jesus so much and lets it show. (see video below of my “oh so holy” friends Jason and Kieth.)

One reason people are drawn to the church is because we have on occasion, been considered “hip.”  Whatever that is. We have the cynics, the granolas, the families, the tattooed rockers, the hipsters and the preppies. Maybe that’s it—we are eclectic. We don’t “look” like a church of like-minded people.

My pastor shared that we are swapping buildings with an older church that realized our need for more space.  Their numbers were declining so they offered the switch.

Hello generosity!

According to my friend, the church has a décor that is…uhh…quite neat.  With a grin she described mauve pews, teal carpet and the ladies’ room linoleum flooring which dons a lovely large floral pattern.

Hello 1984!

“Sounds just like everyone’s childhood church.” I said with a smile.

“I know…that might be the problem,” she said.

I realize I am attracted to “hip” churches because they are the opposite of how I grew up.  Most people my age go to churches that meet in a theater or an old abandoned warehouse. We are the “anti-establishment” Christians.

“Down with the man!” (Currently I have my fist thrown in the air and I’m typing with one hand.)

Obviously there is something to be said about churches frivolously spending money, building a Jacuzzi styled baptismal and not looking to scripture first for what a wise and intentional life would look like.

Because of the hypocrisy many of us have seen, we are prone to lean to the other extreme, ensuring we don’t look anything like what we’re “against.”

But if we are “against” something, we need to pick apart why we are against it.  In my experience, cynicism has been cyclical.  Sadly, I have a feeling that many people are going to see our church’s new “digs” and find somewhere new.

They probably won’t admit it, but they want something more “hip.” And “hip” in my opinion is what makes us comfortable. (Oddly enough we non-conformists do seek comfort.) I know I found a certain level of satisfaction telling the world that my church meets in a high school. People (churched and un-churched) usually respond with, “Oh, that’s so cool.”

So, I guess this blog is more about me realizing I had to keep in check where I was finding my identity.

Why do I go to my church? …Because of the way it looks?

Why do I love God? …Because He gives me something to believe?

Why do I want to serve others? …Because the world will think I am good?

It seems like it might be healthy to ask ourselves these questions and more. That way we are less apt to get in a tizzy when the church fails us or doesn’t act or look the way we think it should.

I wonder if we are more like-minded than we think? If we are honest with ourselves, we probably pick a church because we like how it looks, makes us feel and wouldn’t be too embarrassed to invite a friend.

That’s not necessarily bad. Paul says to “be all things to all people” right? But my thought is this: when “being all things” causes us to lose sight of the “main thing,” then why church? Do we not trust people will be attracted to truth over a pew? Do we think it has to be presented in a way that makes people feel comfortable because we fear their judgment?

Let’s face it. People who want to judge Christians are going to judge Christians. I don’t care how cool you package it.

I want to give grace to the people who built churches in different eras.  I believe they really thought mauve and teal would bring the most appeal. (Read that sentence out loud…it’s a nice rhyme.) My hope is that the church and I can figure out how to be “Christ-minded” over being “like-minded.”

The funny thing I look forward to with this new building are the people who know nothing about our church.  They will join solely because they assume a church with mauve pews and teal carpet behaves a certain way.  Mauve and teal reminds them of their childhood church or something that makes them comfortable.

Boy are they in for a treat.

Walls, pews and carpets can never define…Christ’s love and truth define.  And that’s why I can’t wait to stand in line on floral linoleum.

Question: Why do you go to your church or why don’t you go to church?

I have always had a thing for old men.

When I was about six years old, I would hang out with Mr. Wyke at Burcham Hills Retirement Center. As I would enter the automatic doors, I would see his tuft of white hair brimming over the high back of his lobby chair.  I’m not really sure what we talked about, but I loved his company.  He was calming to me.

Now, twenty years later when I am in Michigan, I return to Burcham Hills. My 95-year-old childhood neighbor Leroy is now a resident. An intellect and retired professor of Michigan State University, his mind never stops. We sit, talk and he reads an essay on the cap and trade bill or explains where our country is headed.

There is a wise calmness to him. A relaxed knowing.

This week I attended a writer’s conference. I went with friends who I consider real writers* and heard many great people speak. As I was listening to a lecture by Scott Cairns, I made a note in the back of my journal that said, “There is such a calmness to older people—often older intellects.” I wrote Scott Cairn’s name down and continued to add names of people who encompassed this calmness.

The calmness transcended their words at times. It was neither arrogant nor falsely humble. If I could pretend and bottle this relaxed knowing and calmness into three sentences, I imagine it would be something like this:

1)   I have searched for truth and found answers.

2)   I have searched for truth with no results.

3)   I can rest because I have authentically searched for truth.

Oh how I long for this calmness to be part of my life…hopefully before I hit age 95.

A few quotes I enjoyed this week from lectures given by old, calm, secure men:

Scott Cairns on vocation…

“Pursuit of art becomes vocation when its devotion is pursuit of making something of attention, not just doing what you know. It’s wholehearted pursuit, less an expression of what is known, and more of knowing.”

Eugene Peterson on the messiness of the Church…

“This is Christ’s church…He could have made it perfect so we weren’t an embarrassment to the world, but the Holy Spirit doesn’t mind being embarrassed.”

Stephen Carter on the next generation’s lack of critical thinking and rhetorical training…

“We are strong in our convictions but we can’t defend it.  And if someone disagrees, we are offended.”

*passed English class.